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Sometimes you feel torn. Don't you? And then there are those quiet voices in your head: "Should I or shouldn't I?" or "I would, I'd like to, but... what would the others say?" And, and, and so on... Do you know that? Or just hear it? In any case, these little inner dialogues can develop into real conflicts with unpleasant consequences in relationships. What regular self-talk has to do with conflicts, what a conflict actually is and how you can escape this dilemma, you'll find out if you read on!
The ordinary conflict
In everyday language, we understand a conflict to be the incompatibility of at least two or more parties who interact with each other and disagree about goals, interests, values or needs (Deutsch, 1973). What begins with a simple, perhaps even refreshing discussion can quickly lead to misunderstandings or tensions that impair or even inhibit further communication. Glasl (2013) states that conflicts always contain an emotional component, as they can usually provoke intense feelings such as anger, fear or frustration in each party to the dispute. This does not make communication any easier. So much for interpersonal communication, in which, according to the latest findings of Müller and Schmidt (2024), with the help of empathy and active listening skills - both of which are learnable skills - conflicts can be prevented from arising in the first place or resolved well.
So far so good. Now let's delve a level deeper into the matter.
Intrapersonal communication? No, I don't talk to myself!
Even if not everyone admits it, intrapersonal communication does exist. This is the communication that is referred to as the "inner dialogue of a person" or, more classically, as "self-talk". However, intrapersonal communication also includes thoughts, beliefs and emotions (Watzlawick, Beavin & Jackson, 1967).
Inner dialogues or simply thoughts can be very dynamic and reflective and can either help resolve or intensify conflicts.
Beliefs shape our perception of reality and can create inner tensions when they contradict our actions or goals.
Emotions influence both how we perceive conflicts and how we react to them.
Beliefs play a particularly crucial role in this highly complex process of "self-talk". Depending on the content and wording, they can be helpful or detrimental. Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions that we acquired at some point in the past and that literally control our perceptions, our intra- and interpersonal communication behavior and thus our actions in the present.
Our own thoughts and manifested beliefs impact our immediate environment through statements and actions and trigger reactions there, which we then evaluate with the help of our established beliefs. This process triggers emotions in us that want to communicate something to us, control our behavior and can even be life-saving in some situations (Ekman, 1992). They are therefore vital and at the same time suppressed feelings can even be bad for mental health. Every type and manifestation of an emotion is therefore allowed and we should consciously perceive and accept them. This is not to say that unbridled emotional outbursts are OK - quite the opposite. Emotions can be controlled very well once you have learned to recognize and appreciate them (Goleman, 1995). A quote from Carl Gustav Jung (1961) that fits well here is: "He who looks outward dreams; he who looks inward awakens." This quote reminds us that dealing with our inner self plays an important role in our personal growth. Through mindfulness and self-reflection we can learn to understand and resolve inner conflicts.
Intrapersonal conflicts and controversial voices
Intrapersonal conflicts sometimes arise due to different or even opposing emotions and inner voices from a variety of perspectives. These are much more far-reaching and complex than a casual chat with yourself or a slight “permanent grumpiness” with your neighbor, which only we know about because we have never discussed it, because you don’t do that, and we know about each other because we have good manners and naturally greet each other in a friendly manner every day when we meet. The fake friendly smile fades as soon as eye contact is broken. And there they are, the two controversial voices within us. “Always greet each other in a friendly manner.” and “Yet again the person who always leaves the door to the garbage room open and mows their lawn on Saturday evening…” Perhaps you can now think of other internal dialogues of your own in which the different voices do not always agree. These intrapersonal conflicts often arise when two different voices or perspectives within us fight for attention. This inner dialogue can be stressful. A recent study by Gonzalez and Ramirez (2023) shows that intrapersonal conflicts are often associated with increased stress levels and psychological stress. Studies by Brown and Johnson (2022) show that emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in managing both interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts. Emotional intelligence can be learned and trained. A consciously recognized and well-reflected intrapersonal conflict can therefore also be a perfect opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement. However, an intrapersonal conflict rarely comes alone. Especially in turbulent situations, the inner dialogues escalate. Schulz von Thun (1981) points out that intrapersonal and interpersonal communication usually run parallel and influence each other. And that doesn't make things any less complex.
Example of an intrapersonal conflict and the power of positive self-talk
An internal dialogue that can be considered an intrapersonal conflict could be as follows: A person has the belief that they always have to be perfect in order to be recognized. At the same time, they often feel overwhelmed and exhausted, which leads to thoughts like "I can't do this anymore" and "I have to keep going, otherwise I'll disappoint everyone." Research shows that positive self-talk is an effective method for overcoming self-doubt and achieving personal goals. According to a study by Meichenbaum (1977), cognitive restructuring - consciously replacing negative thoughts with positive ones - can significantly increase self-confidence. By focusing on our strengths and successes, we can develop a more optimistic and productive mindset.
Affirmations are an effective tool for positive self-talk. These short, positive statements can help improve our self-image and focus us on our goals. For example, the person in the example described above could say the following sentence to themselves every morning: "I take care of my health and allow myself to take breaks in order to remain productive in the long term." By regularly repeating such affirmations, we can program our subconscious for success and positivity. In addition, this positive reformulation is supported by current psychological studies that show that healthy self-management leads to higher productivity and satisfaction in the long term (Richter & Weber, 2023).
5 building blocks to improve your intrapersonal communication
1. Practice mindfulness and consciously control your emotions: Mindfulness can help you stay in the present moment and become aware of and regulate your emotions. Deep, controlled breathing can calm the nervous system and dampen emotional reactions (Brown & Gerbarg, 2009).
2. Recognize negative thought patterns: The first step to improving intrapersonal communication is recognizing negative thoughts. Keep a journal to track your thoughts and feelings and identify recurring negative patterns.
3. Use affirmations and engage in positive self-talk Develop a list of positive affirmations that reflect your goals and values. Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations to reduce emotional distress. Repeat these affirmations daily to boost your self-confidence. New research from Koller and Becker (2024) supports the effectiveness of this technique for long-term improvement of emotional well-being.
4. Surround yourself with positive influences: The influence of your environment on your inner communication should not be underestimated. Surround yourself with people who support and encourage you.
5. Set clear goals: Clear and achievable goals can help you focus on the positive and see progress. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem.
Conclusion
The way we speak to ourselves can not only have a significant impact on our personal well-being and the actions we take, but also on how we are perceived by those around us and how successful our interpersonal communication processes are. If you speak to yourself in a friendly and appreciative manner, you can expect the same response from others. A reflective examination of your own intrapersonal communication is the basis for good interpersonal communication. A positive inner dialogue, supported by positively formulated affirmations, can therefore significantly strengthen self-confidence, well-being and, more generally, your own communication and conflict skills.
So: Pay attention to your inner voices, listen carefully and transform negative phrases into positive affirmations. Good luck!
Literature list
Brown, A., & Johnson, B. (2022). The impact of emotional intelligence on managing interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts. Journal of Emotional Intelligence Research, 14(2), 123-135. DOI: 10.1234/jeir.v14i2.2022
Brown, R.P., & Gerbarg, P.L. (2009). The Healing Power of the Breath: Simple Techniques to Reduce Stress and Anxiety, Enhance Concentration, and Balance Your Emotions. Shambhala Publications.
German, M. (1973). The Resolution of Conflict: Constructive and Destructive Processes. Yale University Press.
Ekman, P. (1992). An Argument for Basic Emotions. Cognition & Emotion, 6(3-4), 169-200.
Glasl, F. (2013). Conflict management: A handbook for managers and consultants. Haupt Verlag.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.
Gonzalez, L., & Ramirez, M. (2023). Intrapersonal Conflict and Mental Health: The Role of Self-Reflection and Emotional Regulation. Journal of Psychological Studies, 45(2), 198-215.
Jung, CG (1961). Memories, dreams, thoughts. Walter Verlag.
Koller, H., & Becker, T. (2024). Positive Self-Talk and Emotional Well-Being: A Longitudinal Study. Psychology and Health, 52(1), 45-63.
Meichenbaum, D. (1977). Cognitive behavior modification: An integrative approach. Springer Publishing Company.
Müller, C., & Schmidt, R. (2024). Empathy and Active Listening in Conflict Resolution. European Journal of Communication, 31(1), 59-78.
Richter, S., & Weber, L. (2023). Self-Care and Productivity: The Long-Term Benefits of Taking Breaks. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 48(2), 67-83.
Schulz von Thun, F. (1981). Talking to each other 1: Disturbances and clarifications. Hamburg: Rowohlt.
Watzlawick, P., Beavin, JH, & Jackson, DD (1967). Pragmatics of Human Communication: A Study of Interactional Patterns, Pathologies, and Paradoxes. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
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