Cold and hot conflicts: 2 x 5 strategies for harmonious coexistence

Conflicts are an inevitable part of our lives, whether at work, in family, or among friends. They are often underestimated or underappreciated. Whether they are cold or hot conflicts, conflicts can place a significant strain on everyone involved. Read this blog post to learn how cold conflicts differ from hot conflicts, what impact they have on our well-being, and what effective strategies there are to avoid or manage them.

Christiana Scholz: Der Umgang mit kalten und heißen Konflikten ist gerade in der Weihnachtszeit ein Thema.

Understanding cold and hot conflicts

Cold conflicts are often subliminal tensions that are not openly expressed and persist over time. They can result from past misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, or old hurts. Although they are not constantly present, they can significantly strain the interpersonal climate. They manifest themselves in a lack of communication, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or a general feeling of distance. Cold conflicts can gradually lead to a permanent tension that is difficult to break.

Example: Anna and Lisa are close friends, but when Lisa enters a new relationship and has less time for Anna, Anna withdraws and doesn't express her dissatisfaction. This creeping distance leads to misunderstandings, as Anna feels neglected, while Lisa doesn't understand why Anna is less communicative. The cold conflict persists because both women fail to address their feelings until the friendship ultimately ends.

Hot conflicts are open and explosive. They usually arise from disagreements, disputes over material things, or misunderstandings, for example, in relationship issues, and are often accompanied by emotional outbursts. Hot conflicts are immediate and often require quick action to avoid escalation.

Example: A dispute between siblings over the distribution of inheritance that ends in a loud argument.

Or: In a team meeting, a heated conflict erupts between Max and Sarah when Max criticizes Sarah's suggestions and she reacts emotionally. The argument quickly escalates, and both begin interrupting each other and attacking each other personally.

Impact of conflicts

Both types of conflict can have significant impacts on mental and physical health. Cold conflicts can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, while hot conflicts can often result in outbursts of anger, physical altercations, or long-term relationship problems. Often, the symptoms are not taken seriously, which causes the stress to steadily increase.

Strategies for conflict resolution

Conflicts are inevitable in human interactions, whether in professional or personal settings. To reduce tensions and promote harmonious relationships, it is important to develop effective conflict resolution strategies. Below are five proven methods for clarifying misunderstandings and resolving conflicts constructively.

1. Self-reflection

The first step to conflict resolution is often self-reflection. Ask yourself what specific emotions and needs are behind the conflict. This can help you develop a better understanding of your own position and that of the other person.

Take time to think about the conflict and ask yourself the following questions:

• What exactly bothers me?

• What emotions do I have in this situation?

• Are there any unresolved issues that play a role here?

  
  

Example: If you feel ignored by a colleague, reflect on whether previous misunderstandings or unfulfilled expectations contributed to the current situation.

2. Open communication

Talk openly about your feelings and needs. In cold conflicts, it's important to break the ice and encourage honest communication. In heated conflicts, it can be helpful to pause briefly to calm emotions before engaging in conversation.

• Find a suitable time to start the conversation.

• Use “I-messages” to express your feelings without attacking the other person.

  
  

Example: "I feel frustrated when I feel like my ideas aren't being heard in the meeting. Can we talk about this?"

3. Active listening

Show empathy and understanding for the other person's perspective. Active listening can clear up misunderstandings and help ease tensions.

• Show that you are listening by nodding and maintaining eye contact.

• Repeat what the other person said in your own words to make sure you understood it correctly. At the same time, your counterpart will feel heard.

Example: "If I understand you correctly, you feel overwhelmed because you think I don't value your input. Let's talk about how we can communicate this better."

4. Find common solutions

Work together to find solutions that are acceptable to both sides. This fosters a sense of cooperation and can help strengthen the relationship.

Work together to develop solutions. Ask the following questions:

• What can we do to improve this situation?

• What do you think I can contribute?

• What can you contribute?

• What suggestions do we both have to find a compromise or a solution?

  
  

For example, if you and your partner have different ideas about vacation planning, you could suggest making a list of priorities and planning the trip to accommodate both of your wishes.

5. Seek professional help

In deadlocked conflicts, it may be useful to seek professional support in the form of mediation or therapy.

Tip:

Work together to find a suitable mediator or coach.

Example: A couple who constantly argue about financial decisions might consider bringing in a coach or mediator to improve their communication.

"Cold and hot conflicts are an underestimated burden that can impact many areas of life. By learning to recognize and proactively address these conflicts, we can not only improve our relationships but also increase our own well-being. The key lies in communication, understanding, and the willingness to work toward solutions."

And suddenly it was there. The conflict.

Especially during the holiday season, when families gather and expectations are high, cold conflicts can suddenly resurface. An innocuous comment, a certain behavior, or even a familiar smell can reopen old wounds and stir up strong emotions that even one doesn't always understand. These triggers can cause a cold conflict to suddenly become heated, with emotions running high and open arguments breaking out.

This is precisely when immediate responses are needed, aimed at de-escalating the situation and preventing harm. Quick and targeted measures can prevent a conflict from escalating into a serious argument or even physical confrontation.

Here are some ways to prevent conflict escalation and quickly regain control of the situation:

1. keep Calm

Take a deep breath and count to ten before you react.

Example: The first family members are arriving for Christmas. You're still busy with the final preparations for the festive meal. Once again, the discussion about nutrition is heating up. And now you're being attacked—your aunt is criticizing you for being far too narrow-minded about your diet. The traditional Christmas cake, which she brought without your consent, is simply a must. Take a moment to breathe before you respond.

2. Take a break

If possible, suggest a short break to allow emotions to cool down.

Example: “Let’s get some fresh air, take the kids for a walk in the park, and then continue talking at the table.”

3. Paraphrase

Ask the other person to share their perspective or feelings. Listen carefully and then summarize what you heard in your own words. This shows that you value the other person's perspective.

Example: "If I understand correctly, you're frustrated because you feel like I don't appreciate your contribution to the celebration. Is that true?"

4. Use I-messages

Express your point of view clearly and calmly, without attacking the other person. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs.

Example: "I feel uncomfortable when I feel like my child-rearing methods are being questioned. I wish I had more respect."

5. Identify common interests

Focus attention on common goals to encourage constructive discussion.

Example: "Ultimately, we all want this to be a wonderful evening. Let's think together about how we can combine our different perspectives on an ideal festive meal so that everyone can feel comfortable."

Conclusion

Cold and hot conflicts are unavoidable parts of our lives, occurring in work, family, and friendships. Cold conflicts are often gradual, while hot conflicts are sudden and explosive, which can lead to emotional stress and long-term relationship problems.

In this article, you learned about the differences between these conflict types and strategies for conflict resolution. The five core strategies—self-reflection, open communication, active listening, collaborative problem-solving, and professional support—help you address conflicts constructively.

Especially during stressful times like the holiday season, old conflicts can resurface. Therefore, it's important to be proactive and use techniques like staying calm, taking breaks, and using "I" messages to encourage constructive discussion.

By addressing conflicts early and respectfully, we strengthen our relationships and our well-being. Use conflicts as an opportunity to improve your communication and relationship skills.

Literature recommendations

Heigl, Norbert, J.; (2014): Understanding and Managing Conflicts. Springer, Wiesbaden.

Proksch, Stephan; (2024): Conflict Management in Companies: Mediation and Other Methods for Conflict and Cooperation Management in the Workplace. Springer, Heidelberg