How I escape the emotional dilemma and conflict drama.

Emotional dilemmas and conflict dramas have the ability to draw us into a spiral of feelings and misunderstandings that is often difficult to break. We all know those moments when conflicts suddenly escalate into true dramas. These emotionally charged situations can not only strain interpersonal relationships, but also our inner balance. It often seems as if our emotions are out of control, and instead of finding a solution, we find ourselves trapped in a maze of accusations and misunderstandings. But how can we resolve such dynamics or even escape them? Tried-and-tested approaches and scientific findings provide concrete strategies for action.

Christiana Scholz: In conflict situations, we are often on emotional autopilot.

Emotions – The roots of conflict dynamics

Emotions are powerful drivers in conflicts. They can help us remain authentic or—if they get out of control—entangle us even more deeply in conflict. They often arise unconsciously and influence our reactions much more quickly than rational considerations. Emotional patterns can even make conflicts seem more dramatic than they actually are. Especially in conflict situations, we often react on "emotional autopilot," which can lead to misunderstandings and escalations. Emotional reactions are deeply rooted in our brain structure, and the limbic system, especially the amygdala, plays a central role in processing emotions.

Daniel Goleman, the founder of the concept of emotional intelligence, with which he laid an important foundation for the understanding of emotions, confirms that, especially in stressful situations, emotions can flood our minds, leading to irrational behavior and escalating reactions (Goleman, 2005). This process is known in neuropsychology as the amygdala hijack , in which the brain's emotional center takes control. To avoid these emotional "hijacks," it is important to become aware of our own feelings. Awareness of these mechanisms helps us pause and reflect. Even a short mindful pause in which we ask ourselves "What am I feeling right now?" and "Why am I reacting this way?" can help prevent an impending escalation.

Epigenetics also shows that not only our experiences, but also genetic factors play a role in our emotional response. In The Biology of Belief (2016), Bruce Lipton describes how our environment and our thoughts can activate epigenetic markers that influence our emotional well-being. Conflicts and emotional dramas can thus trigger deeply rooted reaction patterns that can be mitigated through mindful practice and targeted work on our thoughts and inner dialogues.

Constructive communication defuses conflicts

One of the most effective strategies for defusing conflict is conscious and clear communication. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), emphasizes the importance of empathetic listening and respectful dialogue, which focuses not on accusations but on the feelings and needs of both sides, thus promoting mutual understanding (Rosenberg, 2003).

For example, instead of "You never listen to me!" you could say, "When I'm talking and you're looking at your phone, I feel ignored. It's important to me that we pay attention to each other. Could you please listen to me for a moment?"

This form of communication promotes respectful interaction and reduces the likelihood that a small conflict will turn into a major drama.

The following technique from NVC reduces emotional tension and creates space for respectful interaction:

1. Formulate your observation neutrally: “I noticed that you haven’t responded to my messages.”

2. Share your own feelings: “That frustrated me.”

3. Identify a need: “I need more communication to feel understood.”

4. Make a clear request: “Can you please tell me what’s bothering you?”

This formulation structure makes it possible to remove the drama of a conflict and bring it to a factual level.

Active conflict resolution using the NLP technique “dissociation”

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) offers techniques for acting consciously in conflict situations. Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the founders of NLP, demonstrated that our inner images and language patterns strongly influence our experience of conflict. By consciously changing our inner images and words, we can specifically alter our emotional reactions (Bandler & Grinder, 1975).

Particularly helpful is the technique of dissociation, which involves viewing oneself and the situation from a distanced perspective—like a viewer of a movie. This technique creates emotional distance. Emotions lose their dominance. This allows for clearer and more objective reactions and more objective decisions.

And this is how it works:

Imagine a conflict situation, observe it from the perspective of a neutral observer and ask yourself the following questions:

• How do the people involved affect me if I am not involved myself?

• What emotions arise when I look at the situation from the outside?

• What new solutions do I see?

Looking at the conflict from a new perspective not only changes the emotional intensity but also creates cognitive space to find thoughtful solutions.

Recognize and leave drama triangles

Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman developed the drama triangle model to illustrate how people fall into conflicting roles of "victim," "persecutor," and "rescuer" (Karpman, 1968). In many conflicts, the participants unconsciously assume one of these roles and thus become entangled in endless drama. To break this dynamic, it is important to become aware of one's own role and step out of the drama triangle.

For example, someone who repeatedly takes on the role of “victim” could acknowledge their responsibility for the situation and actively seek solutions instead of losing themselves in helplessness.

Mediation: When conflicts between people escalate

Sometimes, trying to resolve interpersonal conflicts on your own isn't enough. Interpersonal conflicts can be so complex and deep-rooted that they require external support. This is where mediation comes in. Mediation is a structured process in which a neutral third party helps the conflicting parties clarify their point of contention and find common ground for negotiation.

The mediator creates a protected space in which all parties involved can present their point of view and seek solutions together without further escalation.

Friedemann Schulz von Thun emphasizes the importance of a neutral mediator in conflicts to promote dialogue and develop solutions (Schulz von Thun, 1981). Mediation aims to create a win-win situation in which all parties involved feel their needs are respected.

Studies show that mediation not only improves communication but also leads to more stable relationships in the long term (Pruitt & Kim, 2021). The strength of mediation lies in the fact that it creates space for all perspectives without forcing the parties to engage in emotionally stressful discussions alone. An experienced mediator helps defuse conflict dynamics and develop constructive solutions.

Individual coaching helps! ...with intrapersonal conflicts.

Not all conflicts involve other people. We often struggle with internal conflicts that keep us stuck in an emotional dilemma. These intrapersonal conflicts arise when we cannot reconcile different needs or values. In his book "Who am I - and if so, how many?" Richard David Precht describes how we are often torn between different needs and roles within ourselves, which triggers internal conflicts (Precht, 2007).

Such intrapersonal conflicts not only have a negative impact on one's own emotional well-being, but also make it more difficult to deal with interpersonal conflicts.

In such situations, individual coaching is a helpful method to uncover internal role conflicts, make unconscious needs visible and develop constructive options for action.

Conclusion

Using the techniques described, it is possible to be less reactive in conflict situations. The suggested action concepts support de-escalating conflicts and recognizing and expanding one's own potential scope for action. Involving third parties is always recommended when a conflict cannot be resolved independently or has been going on for a longer period of time and is beginning to become stressful.

The motto is: “Prevent and react promptly if necessary!” Deadlocked conflicts or dramas cannot be resolved or can only be resolved with great difficulty.

Bibliography

Bandler, R., & Grinder, J. (1975). The Structure of Magic I: A Book About Language and Therapy . Science and Behavior Books.

Davidson, R.J., & McEwen, B.S. (2012). Social influences on neuroplasticity: Stress and interventions to promote well-being . In Nature Neuroscience, doi: 10.1038/nn.3093.

Goleman, D. (2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ . Bantam Books.

Karpman, S. (1968). "Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis". Transactional Analysis Bulletin , 26(7), 39-43.

Lipton, B. (2016). The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles . Hay House.

Precht, RD (2007). Who am I – and if so, how many? Goldmann Verlag.

Pruitt, DG, & Kim, SH (2004). Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement . McGraw Hill.

Rosenberg, M.B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life . Puddle Dancer Press.

Schulz von Thun. (1981). Talking to Each Other 1: Disturbances and Clarifications : General Psychology of Communication , Rowohlt