Saying no: How clear boundaries ensure more respect and fewer conflicts

Annette Behrendt
May 11
6 min read

Updated: May 19

No as an underestimated driver of conflict

Potential for conflict exists in almost every professional situation—especially where different expectations clash. A "no" can quickly become a spark that ignites conflict. But why is that? Many people firmly believe they can never say "no"—be it to colleagues, superiors, or customers. We often underestimate two things: On the one hand, a well-placed "no" can actually strengthen relationships rather than endanger them. On the other hand, constantly overstepping one's own boundaries erodes one's self-esteem and thus leads to more serious problems in the long run.

Annette Behrendt: Saying “no” does not mean shirking all obligations or offending others. — Annette Behrendt: **"Nein"** zu sagen bedeutet nicht, sich aus allen Verpflichtungen zu stehlen oder andere vor den Kopf zu stoßen.

Why is it so difficult for us to say “no”?

Being loved and valued by others is one of our basic needs. In early communities, exclusion from the tribe could have meant death. Even though we no longer roam the world with bow and arrow, our nervous system still signals: “Attention, don’t jeopardize your belonging!” This means that a “no” often seems as threatening as the fear of being excluded from the clan used to. When we say “no,” we fear that the other person might feel hurt or rejected. But the reality is often different: A clear, appreciative “no” usually garners more respect than a half-hearted “yes.”

Klaus Eidenschink (Managerseminare Issue 321) differentiates four essential factors that prevent a no:

No hurts: Many people believe that saying no will cause them to lose the appreciation or support of others. This means they fear an acute loss of the relationship.
No is harmful: Often a no is ignored out of "consideration" for others, mostly to the detriment of one's own person.
No isolates: Saying no can also isolate and push someone into an outsider role. Here, there is a fear that one's social status will be acutely attacked.
Powerlessness : Especially when there is a strong power imbalance, the perception that "it's no use anyway" is widespread. Be careful, such ignored no's are a contributing cause of burnout and quiet quitting, especially at work.

In interpersonal team dynamics, the "wrong" yes often has devastating consequences such as endless overtime, overwork, exhaustion, and long-term impacts on employee retention. Time to take a closer look at the "no"!

How saying no works at work

We encounter rejections in our professional lives every day in a variety of forms. Let's look at three typical scenarios:

No to colleagues

Expectations quickly arise, especially among colleagues: They help out, fill in, or take on additional tasks. When working with teams, I notice very clearly that disappointing your colleagues and saying no is particularly difficult. But this is precisely where proper expectation management is important: Which tasks can still be taken on, and where do other solutions need to be found?

A particularly difficult situation is the exploitation of well-intentioned colleagues for less important but very labor-intensive tasks. These tasks can steal a lot of working time, but are not recognized in terms of social status or promotions. Women and minorities are often more affected by this because they are more likely to be perceived as service-oriented or obliging.

For example, your colleague repeatedly asks you to take minutes, finalize a presentation, or prepare a report because she's busy with more important tasks. If you grudgingly say "yes" every time, it hardly earns you recognition—in fact, it eventually becomes a given. A professional "no" might be:

"Thank you for your trust, but unfortunately I don't have the capacity at the moment. However, I can briefly show you how to best structure the protocol."

This way you maintain a helpful attitude, but set clear boundaries.

No to superiors

This is where saying "no" becomes even more challenging: After all, there's a power imbalance. Nevertheless, it can be beneficial for both sides to set boundaries. Saying "yes" out of fear often leads to poor quality, overload, or long-term demotivation.

What's often overlooked by employees is that managers don't know all the daily tasks. This means that when employees are overloaded, priorities can be discussed or some tasks completely re-examined. However, this requires that the issues are addressed.

A different situation arises when you disagree on a specific subject. This can also be discussed with your superiors by engaging in dialogue. This doesn't necessarily mean that the perspective will be adopted, but it does provide the opportunity for an exchange on equal terms. Rather, such a dialogue demonstrates proactivity and thoughtfulness, and can even be career-enhancing rather than detrimental in the long run.

You miss 100% of the shots You Don't Take | Wayne Gretzky

Address things cleverly, things might improve a bit!

No to customers

In many organizations, the motto "The customer is king" prevails. This can tempt people to promise anything, even when expectations are unrealistic. This either results in endless overtime and thus overwork – or/and at some point, the truth has to come out. Overburdening your team or glossing over deadlines will harm the entire project. In such situations, saying "no" doesn't mean turning away the customer, but rather managing expectations. Learn to steer conversations so that the message is received positively by the other party.

For example:

"I understand that the deadline is important to you. Unfortunately, I can't seriously guarantee this delivery by next week. What I can offer you is..."

This way you avoid misunderstandings and secure the trust of your customers in the long term.

Systemic pitfalls: gender roles, team and organizational culture

A "no" isn't limited to the interaction between two people. It often has a systemic effect—on the entire team or even the organization.

Team dynamics: When you dare to turn down tasks, you unconsciously shift roles and responsibilities. This may cause unrest in the short term, but in the medium term, it will lead to fairer structures.
Gender-specific expectations: Studies show that women are more likely to be pushed into the role of helpful "team player," while men are less likely to be called upon for service tasks. A "no" breaks these patterns and can trigger discussions about fair task allocation. It is important to distribute small, time-consuming, but sales and profit-irrelevant tasks evenly within the team. Men are less frequently asked to do such tasks (also called non-promotable tasks). In addition, there is a strong differentiation in the evaluation of "no" between men and women: A "no" from men is accepted more quickly and does not affect social status. For women, a "no" is less accepted, and they are also more likely to be socially discounted for it. (Weirup et al. (2020): Gender differences in the response to requests to do non-promotable tasks. Unpublished manuscript)

Organizational culture: Corporate cultures that foster an open culture of mistakes and encourage employees to set boundaries generally benefit from reduced absenteeism and higher motivation. HR and management can play a key role in establishing this culture.

Practical tips for a professional "no"

Self-clarification: Be clear in advance about why you want to decline (lack of time, personal value conflict, lack of resources). Every "yes" means a "no" to other options. Which opportunities/commitments are more important than the ones currently under discussion?
Offer alternatives . A simple "no" can burn bridges. Understand the other person's situation and seek a solution. For example, with: "No, but I can recommend someone..." or "No, but I'd be happy to show you how."
Damage Control: If something has already gone wrong, address it proactively. Don't wait until your counterpart brings up problems and then you have to argue defensively. Take advantage of framing the problem in such a way that your "no" is linked to solutions.
Show understanding . Show that you understand the other person's situation. People are particularly interested in understanding and problem-solving. If you help with this, the rejection will be much easier to accept.

Conclusion: A no can reduce conflict and enable success

Saying "no" doesn't mean shirking all your obligations or offending others. Quite the opposite: A clear, yet respectful refusal demonstrates that you're using your energy and resources responsibly . This builds respect – from colleagues , superiors, and clients alike.

At the same time, saying no encourages you to reflect on established roles and expectations. Whether it's gender stereotypes in teams or unrealistic expectations in a client's brief, a professional "no" reveals where structures no longer fit. Those who have the courage to address them are usually not the ones causing trouble, but rather the ones who inspire a more sustainable, healthier working relationship.

Note for HR and managers:

Foster a culture where employees can express their boundaries without fear of reprisal. This will strengthen personal responsibility, prevent burnout, and develop more resilient teams where "no" is truly accepted.